Harry Potter and the Psycopath's Phone
by shinymuffin
Summary: Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone with some differences... Something's going seriously wrong with the characters here!


**Harry Potter and the Psychopath's Phone**

Disclaimer: HP is all JK Rowling's. Ni belongs to Monty Python. Hehe I like the Knights Who Say NI!

Harry Potter liked his cupboard under the stairs. He could do anything he wanted without the Dursleys getting annoyed at him. He liked using this much-loved privacy to practice his meowing.

"Meeeeeeow! No, that's not right," He muttered to himself. "Mmmmmmeeeeeeeeeeeeeeoooooooooooowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww! No, too long. Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmoew. Argh I can't get it right!" He fell silent as he heard footsteps announcing the arrival of his dreaded Uncle Vernon.

"Make way, Vernon Dursley has arrived home!" The footsteps announced.

"Espíritu Santo… What on Earth does that mean?" Uncle Vernon called to his family.

"I think the word you're looking for is 'hello'," Dudley prompted his father. Aunt Petunia whinnied in agreement. She crawled into the room, a saddle on her back.

"Hai… I-I mean thank you, Dudy," Uncle Vernon stood in the doorway for a moment, looking confused, before shrugging and entering the lounge room. "Anyway, today I acquired new company car-"

"AHHHHHHHH!!"

"Oh sorry Duuuuuuddlay. I forgot you didn't like the word car,"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!" Dudley squealed again.

"Non c'est ma sœur… What the?" Uncle Vernon looked very flustered. Aunt Petunia translated.

"You just said 'no, it's my sister' in French," She explained. "How about you tell us about your new ca- I mean, automobile?"

Harry got bored of eavesdropping on his relatives. He strapped on his newspaper-and-stockings tail and egg-carton ears, hoping it would help him improve his meowing. Mooooeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwn," He meowed. "I give up! Let's try hissing." He straightened himself up. "Hiss… Oops that's not right. Ummm… Hhhhhhhrrrrrrrrrrrrrsssssssssshhhhhhhhhhh no… Haaaaaaaaa!" He lowered his head, embarrassed. "Ok, one more try. Hhhhhhhhhiiiiiiiiihhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Yes! I got it right!"

"What was that?" Aunt Petunia neighed from the kitchen.

"Minasan konnichiwa… Sensei konnichiwa!"

"… Dad?..."

"Hai, imasu,"

"Vernon, did you just say 'yes, I exist'?" Aunt Petunia asked.

"No… At least, I don't think so… AÏE Ça va?" Uncle Vernon was getting very angry by now. His face slowly turned orange with rage.

Meanwhile, Harry had just fallen asleep and was dreaming about cats dancing about while teaching him to meow.

When Harry went to collect the mail the next day, he was surprised to see a letter addressed to him. He opened it in the hallway. The letter said that he had a place at some school where he would learn the magic of opening doors and seeing what lay beyond them.

"What was that?" Aunt Petunia asked as Harry threw the crumpled letter in the bin. Uncle Vernon had given up speaking.

"Just some junk mail about doors," He answered. Aunt Petunia clucked her tongue.

"I can't believe they're putting junk mail in envelopes now!" She crawled over to her pile of hay, ready to have breakfast. "This hay is delicious! It must be really popular. The car-"

"AHHHH!"

"-it was delivered in was massive!"

During the next few days, Harry received more letters. After finding 583 letters wrapped around the stems of Aunt Petunia's petunias, Dudley was forced to call the post office (Aunt Petunia was busy unpacking a fresh shipment of oats, and Uncle Vernon still refused to talk). After Aunt Petunia had finished hiding her oats in odd places such as inside the heater (for roasted oats), she made an announcement.

"Guess what, everybody?"

"What?" Dudley asked, bouncing in excitement.

"Stop bouncing, Didooooooooooooms. You're making a hole in the floor. Anyway, Guess what?"

"WHAT?" Dudley asked, turning purple with anticipation.

"We're going on a HOLIDAY!"

"Si, cosi cosi… ARGH not again!" Uncle Vernon slammed his head on the table in frustration.

"Owwwwww… Anyway, me siento libre… Get packed and into the car-"

"AH!"

"-in venti… 20 minutes," Uncle Vernon stormed off to his room.

After an hour of travelling, Dudley bounced in his seat (rocking the whole car-

"AHHH"

-in the process).

"Muuuuuuuum! Are we there yet?"

"No dear. We're about an hour away."

Two minutes later, Dudley was extremely bored.

"Are we there yet?"

"Vache… Grr I really hate this. No, not yet."

One minute later…

"How about now?" Dudley asked. No one answered.

After another 15 minutes, and many repeats of 'are we there yet?', Harry was getting rather bored himself.

"Are we there yet?" Dudley asked for the 20th time.

"NO!" Everyone yelled back. Dudley pouted.

"What? I just wanted to know when we could get out of this car AHHHHH!!!" Aunt Petunia sighed. Uncle Vernon shook his head. Harry poked Dudley's knee.

"Moooooooo" Dudley jumped (the… vehicle jumped with him) and looked around, trying to find out who had mooed. Harry poked his knee again.

"Cheep cheep!" Dudley clapped his hand over his mouth, realising that he was making the animal noises. Harry poked his knee once again.

"Baaaaaaaaaa,"

For the remainder of the trip, Harry entertained everyone by poking Dudley. Before long, he ran out of animal noises and proceeded to other random noises.

Poke

"Ni!"

Poke

"Blabefury,"

Poke

"Wooooooooop!"

"We're here!" Aunt Petunia finally announced. They fell out onto the ground in their eagerness to get out of the car-

"Ah…" (Dudley was getting sick of squealing). Uncle Vernon scrambled back to his feet.

"Pomme de terre canard… Where are we?" He asked. Aunt Petunia looked around happily.

"This was the only stable I could find with enough stalls. It looks pretty good, though,"

"But why do we have to stay in a stable?" Dudley whined. Aunt Petunia looked at him blankly.

"Because I'm a horse!" Dudley wasn't convinced.

"How come you're talking, then?"

"I'm a talking horse, silly!"

"… Of course…"

The family had no choice but to settle down in their stalls. During the night, Harry remembered that it was his birthday the next day.

"Wow I just remembered. It's my birthday tomorrow!" Harry grinned at himself, feeling very smart. He looked up at Dudley, who was curled up in the corner of their shared stall. Harry crawled over to him and pulled his watch off his over sized wrist. He sat there, counting down to his birthday. He thought that it might be fun to wake Dudley up at midnight. He started plotting.

At one minute to midnight, Harry found a cactus and a balloon. He placed the cactus next to Dudley's head.

Five seconds

Four

Three

Two

One

Harry popped the balloon on the cactus.

BANG!

Harry blinked in surprise.

"Wow, that must have been some balloon. It made such a huge noise!" He looked at Dudley. He was still asleep. Harry rolled his eyes. He turned and saw a huge figure standing in the doorway. The door lay broken on the floor. Harry looked back to the figure. The stranger walked forwards and looked at Harry.

"Harry Potter sir!" He squeaked.

a/n Yay the first chapter of my new fic! I decided it's about time I started a Harry Potter fic. Here's some translations from the chapter. Sorry if there's some mistakes. I used an online translator, but they're not always very accurate.

**Espíritu Santo**- Spanish- Holy Spirit  
**Hai**- Japanese- Yes  
**Non c'est ma sœur**- French- No, it's my sister (the only phrase in French that my dad remembers)  
**Minasan konnichiwa… Sensei konnichiwa**- Japanese- Class hello... Teacher hello (something like that... Our teacher used to say the first part and we'd say the second part at the start of Japanese lessons)  
**Hai, imasu**- Japanese- Literally yes, I exist. My sister (who's better at Japanese than me) says that it's meant to mean something like 'yes, I'm here'.  
**AÏE**- French- Ouch  
**Ça va?**- French- How are you (it can also mean good, alright, bad etc. depening on the tone used).  
**Si, cosi cosi**- Italian- Yes, alright (I think that's right... We used 'cosi cosi' to mean 'alright' in reply to 'how are you?).  
**Me siento libre**- Spanish- I feel free  
**Venti**- Italian- Twenty  
**Vache**- French- Cow  
**Pomme de terre**- French- Potato  
**Canard**- French- Duck


End file.
